Synopsis 2

[cathschaffstump]

This synopsis is more character-driven, which the last one probably should have been. Would this make you want to read the book?

Nasma has found a man in the desert, now treasure of the Storm Sisters. What she doesn't know is the man has lost a king, fragmented in the mists, one part of the king's soul with trolls who are searching for the rest. She doesn't know that the man has left a mistress, the new queen of the Sidhe, who loves him and hates him. She doesn't know that the mistress's husband will journey through her desert, to cement an alliance with the dark forces that border her land. Nasma, knowing none of these things, has decided she loves the man, and will protect her treasure with all of the force the Storm Sisters can gather. The treasure, Rohren the Avenger, has other ideas.

I'd like a good site for information about writing outlines for books, if those of you who send off proposals know of one. Of course, I'll be investigating things myself.

Catherine

Originally published at Writer Tamago. You can comment here or there.

Comments

[blpurdom.livejournal.com]

I'm finding this synopsis very confusing. Maybe I can break it down:

1. Nasma has found a man in the desert, now treasure of the Storm Sisters.

I understand "Nasma has found a man in the desert" but I don't understand what the treasure is--Nasma (least likely), the man, or the desert? And I don't understand why the Storm Sisters aren't explained and what Nasma's relationship to them is. Are they goddesses? Witches? Aliens?

2. What she doesn't know is the man has lost a king, fragmented in the mists, one part of the king's soul with trolls who are searching for the rest.

This one I'm finding completely baffling. After "What she doesn't know is the man has lost a king" I'm at sea. What is fragmented in the mists, the man, the king, or the king's soul? And what does "fragmented in the mists" mean anyway? What about the one part of the king's soul? And how did trolls become involved, where are they (in the mists, in the desert, or is that both?) and was I just supposed to assume that "Nasma" was a feminine name, because I was a little stumped at first about who "she" was, too. (It helps to be clearer about that sort of thing when introducing names that are made up and therefore don't necessarily have a gender-assumption built-in.)

3. She doesn't know that the man has left a mistress, the new queen of the Sidhe, who loves him and hates him.

I think I know what's going on here: "the man" again refers to the guy Nasma found in the desert; however, despite this information being clearer than the previous sentence, its relevance is not as clear. Either more/better information is needed (not everyone knows Sidhe=Faeries) to underscore why this is important enough for the synopsis or it might need to be dropped from the synopsis in favor of using the extra space to make some of the other things clearer.

4. She doesn't know that the mistress's husband will journey through her desert, to cement an alliance with the dark forces that border her land.

I'm confused again--"though her desert"--who's "her"? Nasma or the queen/mistress? If it's Nasma, is she a Storm Sister? Is the queen/mistress a Storm Sister? Whose land, once again: Nasma or the queen's? And I'd prefer a slightly more concrete label for the "dark forces", which is making me giggle slightly. ;)

5. Nasma, knowing none of these things, has decided she loves the man, and will protect her treasure with all of the force the Storm Sisters can gather. The treasure, Rohren the Avenger, has other ideas.

It's not clear whether she falls in love with him after spending time with him or--Bam! She meets him and is immediately in love. Also, the use of "treasure" again is simply making me think--"Whoa, the 'treasure' was the man?" Which was one of the possibilities in the first sentence, but not at all clear. And it feels like an odd choice of words for a person, anyway. And, again--is Nasma a Storm Sister? Also, I would have introduced Rohren's name at the start, plus using the name of the queen/mistress and her husband (presumably the king of the Sidhe). Also, where did the king and his fragmented soul disappear to? Is this the man's king or the king of the Sidhe? He's mentioned, as if this is a problem and a plot point, and then dropped.

In general, I'm just confused by a title that isn't attributed to anyone (Storm Sisters), pronouns without clear antecedents, brief descriptors instead of names (queen of the Sidhe, her husband, a king, dark forces, a man--since he doesn't get a name until the end), and an overall feeling of randomness. Someone who's sleeping with a married queen with a pissed-off husband is probably inherently in danger, but it's not clear how that's enough to build an entire plot that will hold a reader's interest, nor what a Storm Sister is, the relationship to the Sidhe, nor why Nasma would immediately fall in love with this guy and what the real plot-problems are that will need to be solved by the protagonist.

You may be trying to include too many things; I cut out item after item from my synopsis until it was pretty bare-bones. Perhaps if you're trying to include less you can say more substantial things about the importance of what's left?

Hope that helps!

[cathschaffstump.livejournal.com]

Thank you for all that feedback. Looks like I need to call the clarity police.

FYI, Nasma is a female name of Arabic descent. I have had lots of students named Nasma. Today's quotient of cultural education! However, you have a great point about most people not knowing that.

Catherine

[david-bridger.livejournal.com]

Yes, this would make me want to read the book. :)

[cathschaffstump.livejournal.com]

More human, yes?

Still, not quite there yet.

Catherine